To listen to this letter narrated, click here. Total time, 36 minutes.
It’s been a little over six months since you passed. Can you just come back, please? I’m not even sure where to start with all of this, but I know I need to get it out there. So here goes…
I was recently reminded about the Portland trip, I took last May, the weekend you passed. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much of it, maybe that’s the way my brain is handling the loss? One of the members I had met was a bit frustrated that I couldn’t remember. Selfishly, the only thing I can remember is pain and certain conversations I had regarding your passing.
Your aunt asked me to handle the “facebook stuff”….so I did what I thought was best to keep everyone informed. She knew who I was and we had a moment or two over the phone to try and help each other through the chaos. Your son and I talked a few times as well, trying to help him manage the details by giving him what information I had.
I can remember the air leaving my chest. I can remember telling your best friend. I can remember my conversation with a member you were working with and him telling me to speak freely. He turned out to be a God send in all this, an absolute God send. Little did I know, at the time, he would be pivotal in my moving forward.
It was during this time, the two people you confided in, in regards to our relationship, reached out to me. I find it a bit humorous you had to confide in two women. These two were the only ones that knew exactly what was going on; knew exactly my loss. These two are wholly responsible for my sanity during that time and helped me stay real with what I had to process moving forward.
Shortly after I returned home, the donation site was posted to help raise money for me to go to your funeral. You knew I was already struggling financially with all the travel expenses and the legal expenses combined. I hated to ask. I didn’t want people knowing about my struggle. But, I felt I had to fulfill the promise I made to you about going to Texas. I took the position that if the community felt I deserved to go, then I would go. If not, I wouldn’t. It was up to them to decide.
It didn’t take but a few minutes for the haters to start crawling out of the woodwork. A mutual friend of ours was the first person to contact me, immediately accusing me of ulterior motives. She was such a huge supporter of my work previously, so I didn’t understand why she would even say such a thing in the first place. Seriously, who gives themselves for over a year to a community and then turns around and screws them? WHY would she even think that I would do such a thing? Maybe this was her way of processing her grief? I’m not sure.
You were the first person I turned to when things upset me. Obviously, I couldn’t do that this time around. You were gone. So I reached out to one of my girlfriends. Unfortunately, she was in a remote area. You and I both know how cell phone reception works up there. How many times did the two of us get disconnected over Mother’s Day weekend? Regardless, her response wasn’t supportive either, at least in my mind. Now I was starting to question myself as to whether or not I was even doing the right thing. Maybe I wasn’t?
Whew, stepping back into some of these memories is slightly overwhelming.
Sadly, a situation regarding someone you introduced me to, arose. You and I had a few conversations about her previously, including the last time we saw each other, that first weekend in May. I reached out to her several times and we both ended up comforting each other a few times. When she implied that there must have been something more between you and I, I didn’t confirm it. I didn’t have the heart to say what was real to me for fear I would hurt her even more. I simply told her that her memories with you were just that, her memories. Mine were mine. Neither one of us can change those or take them away from the other. I hoped those words reassured her, but unfortunately shortly after that she blocked me on Facebook. She crosses my mind frequently. I hope she is surviving your passing successfully.
Then folks who don’t like ProjectAccept started entering the picture. Good lord some of those folks are vindictive. At one point, the rumor was, I conspired the whole thing in order to obtain more money for ProjectAccept. What in the heck? Seriously? People got way out of hand on this one. To date, there are still folks that believe this. While I completely understand the “guilty by association” theory, shame on them for not reaching out and asking me. Am I that unapproachable? Or the organizers of the donation fund? Were they that unapproachable? ProjectAccept had nothing to do with any of this. Nothing.
With regards to the donations, I made them shut down the site before the posted goal was met. I hated receiving money from folks. Yet, I was so grateful I was able to attend your funeral. The goal used was based on some quick numbers I came up with from a quick search. That’s it, nothing more. Once it was posted, within an hour and a half, half the goal was raised. I was in shock. I’m still in awe over the love this community has for others. It’s simply a stunningly beautiful thing to witness. Meanwhile, I’m feverishly trying to get there as cheaply as possible and still be able to provide some beautiful flowers for your service.
A friend of a friend worked for Southwest, the airline I was using to get to the conference in Texas. With a few phone conversations, I was able to lower the cost of the airline substantially. The rental car was surprisingly cheap and the hotel was standard. It was suggested I use some of the money for food and necessities, but honestly I felt bad enough, I didn’t have the heart to use it for anything else. The excess was sent back to your aunt to help with expenses.
The conference in Texas was a blur. I flew in, presented, flew out. I kept the promise I made to you. Everyone I came into contact with was supportive. I was able to personally deliver some of the thank you cards I had begun writing. Even one of the attendees took me to the airport at like 3 in the morning. Yet another angel.
I did present, but not in the way you and I had originally envisioned. I struggled a lot and called on the #SecretArmy over and over. The response I received was comforting and I am in awe, again, of how many were affected by my story. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand that, hun. I’m just me, you know?
Oh, I almost forgot to mention. I found the pendant. More on that later as I’m trying to keep this letter in chronological order. There are three days left to get this done.
Just got word that no one wants me to wear a herpes shirt in March’s race. I still don’t understand that fear. I’m wearing the shirt. What does standing next to me have anything to do with what I’m wearing? Anyways….
I landed in Virginia two hours before the funeral. I had to grab the car rental and change clothes at the airport before heading out. Major issues with the car rental, but an angel from a competitor walked up to me, in the line, and said “not sure I can fix your tears, but I can match their price”….bam, I had a car and an hour to get to the funeral.
It was shortly after that I received a text from a mutual friend of ours telling me he was in town and was attending the funeral. My mouth hit the floor, at this point I was in shock and lost it. I wasn’t alone here, thank God. Another angel.
The funeral wasn’t exactly as you had described so long ago. Instead of the bagpipes being live, they played the song. Your family was extremely nice and supportive and it was a real comfort to see the kids.
The service was beautiful and it was obvious lots of people loved you. I really hope you felt that love.
I stayed in Virginia, for an extra day, which allowed me to have some quiet time with you at the grave site. Our last run together in the beautifully quiet cemetery.
The flight home was interesting. A gentlemen chose the seat next to me in the front row. He was very kind. As most passengers do, we asked each other if we were coming or going. Once I told him I was coming from a funeral, I think he made it his mission to keep me laughing. Yet another angel. Before I knew it, the whole front part of the cabin was in our conversation. I wondered if it wasn’t you making a visit or sending him to assure I was comforted. Some other passenger said something about it being serendipitous. Hind sight, I understand what he was implying now. At the time, I was just thankful that I had some company.
When I returned home, I posted the pictures I took at the funeral so your other family could see where you were laid to rest. I thought for sure I would get back lash from that, but apparently those that may have disagreed kept quiet.
Days started getting longer and harder to manage. It was odd because usually my coping mechanism to move forward from pain is to get back into my routine. So obviously, I reverted to what was known and it wasn’t working. It was like I was in a fog, nothing was clear. Nothing.
I tried to jump back into supporting folks within the groups. I tried focusing on the race campaign. I was getting more lost minute by minute. What was that movie where the fog sucked people in and they didn’t return? Yeah that, that’s how I felt.
I made the decision to attend the June race in Seattle. Mostly because mum was going and my sister was racing with me. I also wanted to run in your honor and I needed to check on someone. Her and I had some time just before the race, talked, cried and laughed together. We have kept in touch since. You’d be very proud of her; she’s stayed her course Marvin.
The race itself wasn’t too bad. My coach was extremely helpful keeping me focused. There was one moment in the race that was touching. A police officer was standing on the side lines with a sign that said “FREE HUGS”. I still get choked up remembering this. All of sudden it just felt like you were there, wanting to hug me. I chuckle a bit now, because that police officer had no idea what the heck was going on when I burst into tears. I just smiled at him, said thank you, and went on about the race.
I finally got to meet who you insisted I meet. You were right, good peeps and has a whole different perspective on the community. We had lunch and talked about a lot of things, from past events, current events, community politics. It felt so good to know that I finally understood what you were telling me about all the different nuances within the groups.
After lunch, we attended the support group meeting. I LOVE their environment for meetings. Probably the most comfortable one I’ve attended, next to the one I attended in Florida. After the meeting we went to dinner, where I got to meet some more local peeps. Oh, and I got to meet a Canadian peep too! She was a blessing in disguise and wore a shirt to support you as well.
Meanwhile, the personal messages continued about the rumors regarding my intentions for the community, or the rumors about the relationship you and I had, or whether or not I was going to continue racing. My mental capacity was dwindling and I was starting to lose focus about everything. I understand some believed money shouldn’t have been raised for me to go to your funeral. I get it. But to be hostile about it, to be cruel or mean about it, to imply I don’t have good intentions for the community is absurd. I’m still just a girl who races with a herpes shirt on.
Then the news about another lost member hit the groups. It felt like just one more thing was causing pain. I met him, for the first and last time, at the Texas convention. He was such a huge supporter of the groups and his passing has left a huge hole.
I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was a comment I saw regarding me and our relationship. The comment, “Is RG going to come out and say she had a relationship with him as well?” I literally fell to my knees. Again, it was like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. Why? Why are people so cruel? I’m still, just a girl, who races with a herpes shirt on.
Most didn’t know about all these hateful things, babe. I would confide in some, but bits and pieces because I was at the point where I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I was even questioning folks being nice to me. Feeling scared and alone in this dark place, I didn’t know who was being honest. I just wanted to be a girl who raced with a herpes shirt on.
All sorts of folks were posting things to my page to show support and try to cheer me up. I so love this community. What did I ever do to deserve all this love? The problem was, it wasn’t enough to pull me out of the funk I was in. I couldn’t shake the fog.
I don’t remember what prompted me to reach out to another friend of yours, but I finally did. I have to laugh here, because I remember you and I talking about whether or not she knew about us and how concerned you were. I finally got to meet her too, and when I hugged her for the first time it was like I was hugging a piece of you again. It’s surreal to meet these people who knew you and hear their stories and have something to relate it to because you and I had talked about it.
Then the Florida trip.
I managed to find the jeweler after calling a dozen others first. Literally he was the last on the list. I gave him the same spiel as I gave all the others (who all thought I was crazy eh) “Hi, my name is Christine, do you happen to be working on a RunnerGirl pendant?” Instead of getting the usual, “Uh, no, I think you have the wrong number” he replied with a “pardon me?” My face lit up a little and I repeated myself. He then said, “Why yes, yes I am”. I responded, “You are?” One of the few times I felt happiness since you passed. I also felt relief, I finally found it. He then asked me, “Is this her? Is this RunnerGirl?”
Marvin, he was so excited. You could hear the smile come across his face. At that moment, the air left my lungs again. “Yes, this is her.” I said. I then said, “I’m calling because…” and at that point he interjected, “Hey, if you talk with Marvin today can you tell him to call me? I’ve been trying to get a hold of him the last few days.” At that moment, I couldn’t hold the tears any longer and I started crying again. A few moments passed and then I said, “That’s why I’m calling, unfortunately I have some bad news. Marvin passed away May 16.”
Marvin, I swear it was an eternity before either one of us said anything.
He then expressed his condolences and tried to comfort me. We chatted a few more moments, discussed the particulars about the pendant and made arrangements to meet after I landed in Orlando.
Once I landed, the friend I was staying with picked me up and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. Again, another angel, Marvin.
I got to see the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. I touched these really small crabs (because I was afraid to hold them)….and chased glass ones. I swam in it, ran its beach, and saw a few of its sunrises. Seriously dude, a sunrise, on.the.beach.
As is the case any time I travel, I got to meet a lot of new folks. Two more angels and the four of us had some really good conversation. It was so good to finally meet these two. To date, I still feel a connection with them I simply cannot explain and have nothing but love and respect for the both of them. We even ran into them again when I was saying good-bye to the beach.
First stop was Atlantic beach, where you passed. It wasn’t like anything I imagined. Somewhere I got this impression it was desolate and isolated. Little did I know, this place was central to its community and surrounded by lots of beautiful houses. Where were these people when you needed help? I can remember being angry. I can remember yelling my frustrations….and the tears came once again. I thought somehow that if I was there I would be able to understand why the good Lord took you. But alas, no such understanding came. I was supported, given tissue for my tears and we collected sea shells for a memento.
We then traveled to St. Augustine to meet the jeweler. I was scared I would lose it in front of him. I was dropped off in front of his store while the truck was being parked. I walked in, looked around and saw a man that reminded me of Santa Claus. He had a calming presence and a warm smile. I walked up to him, held out my hand and said, “Hi, I’m Christine, you know me as RunnerGirl”. His eyes started tearing up, he walked around the counter and reached his arms out to hug me. My eyes teared up again.
As we finished our greetings, he walked back around the counter to retrieve the project you two had been working on. He pulled off the receipt rubber banded to the box and slowly opened it. My world was changed forever. Through your design, you managed to encompass my advocacy and made it beautiful. I love you.
Afterwards, the three of us went next door to meet his wife. I began to understand why you three were friends. Truly genuine and honorable people. We then headed over to a small café for lunch. There he shared a story with us regarding the sudden loss of his son. My mouth hit the floor, but I suddenly felt like he could relate with me in some way. I asked him how he and his wife managed to get over such a devastating loss. His response, “You cannot get over it, you must go through it”.
I don’t think either one of us knew exactly how impactful this lunch was going to be and I believe both of us were touched in some way spending an hour with this man. As we finished up lunch, we headed back to the store, said our good-byes and headed on our way. The major agenda for this day was complete.
We had some extra time before the Orlando meet up, so we stopped at the Fort to take a look around…and of course, I found more bugs. We also perused through down town a bit. We then went to the lighthouse. My first lighthouse! We walked all the way up and chilled for a bit at the top. In the shade with the wind it felt really nice. Otherwise, it was a bit sticky and hot. On the way down we checked out a few other things on the grounds and walked through a park area to get back to the truck. I found an orb spider and was able to catch him and his web on film.
The last thing on the agenda was the Orlando meetup where I got to meet some more awesome folks. I wonder if all the members of the community know just how magnificent our community is? There are so many good people Marvin, just willing to spend time with you, share their stories, and give hugs. We were spread out across three tables next to a pier and dinner started right about sunset. The setting was beautiful. We toasted to you and other fallen friends, shared moments and memories, laughed, enjoyed each others time.
That trip ended with a drive to Atlanta together for some camping with some friends in Georgia. Yet more folks I got to meet, time with old friends, good food, great company and some time to let go of what was going on in my world. Oh, and I got to see Olive again, of course. She tried to steal my sunglasses dude!
I think this trip was the only trip were I got to see so many different creepy crawly things and\or bugs. Spiders, stink bugs, worms, caterpillars…oh and a cicada? Those things that buzz and shed their skin.
When I returned home, I found that some more people had unfriended me. I can only assume more fallout from whatever rumors they had heard. Maybe even actions I took or something I said. I actually reached out to a few of them and asked if they wanted to discuss. Apparently, if one ignores the situation, it isn’t really happening? Maybe it’s easier for folks to deal with things that way; but on this end, it’s hurtful. I just wanted to be a girl who races with a herpes shirt on.
I tried to jump back into my advocacy by attending The Great Love Debate. I was able to ask a question regarding dating with HSV\HPV. The reception was good and the response was positive. The #SecretArmy was just as supportive as they’ve always been and I finally felt like I was making a difference again.
Then a friend of mine from work passed away. Bam, right smack dab in the middle of dark fog again. This is the third death this year. Now I’m frustrated, feeling hopeless, everything seems to be going wrong and I don’t see an end to all this pain. My brain isn’t computing any of this and my lack of trust with everyone is consuming me.
I tried to distract myself with a ladies’ road trip to San Diego. Some more angels. These two women are unbelievably kind and had different perspectives with what was going on in my world. I’m thankful I got the time I did to spend with them. I learned more about them as individuals and their contribution to the community. It was insightful to see how these two handled their advocacy.
During the San Diego trip, I met a homeless man on the beach. An extremely literate gentleman, knowing many passages from many different poems. He managed to write out an excerpt of Languages by Carl Sandburg IN THE SAND:
…languages die like rivers, words wrapped round your tongue today and broken to share of thought. Between your teeth and lips speaking, now and today, shall be faded hieroglyphics ten thousand years from now. Sing, and singing, remember your song dies and changes and is not here to-morrow. Any more than the wind blowing ten thousand years ago.
His work was impeccable. Absolutely beautifully written in the sand. I couldn’t help but wonder if you had sent him to me, Marvin. Some sort of weird sign that I needed to move forward with our vision.
Another part of that trip was playing with a remote controlled jeep….damn, at that moment I couldn’t remember when I had that much childish fun.
Shortly after that trip, I decided it was time to seek some grief counseling and take a Facebook break. The rumors were still flying around and managed to hit me on good days only to bring me down again. I felt like I was in a hamster wheel, moving but going nowhere. I just wanted to be a girl who raced with a herpes shirt on.
During that time, I got the urge for another road trip and headed off to L.A. for a quick turn-around. You see, the summer temps in AZ were getting unbearable. So for my long runs, I headed up north to run in slightly cooler weather. The L.A. group was having one last BBQ for the summer, so I decided to go. I’m remembering the face on one when I arrived…it still makes me chuckle. Again, I got to meet some new faces, hug some old friends and a certain rock star. Damn it was a sight for sore eyes to see her again.
Shortly after that trip, I released the presentation that was videotaped at the Texas convention. You can find that here.
Then I was asked to be a part of a particular article regarding HSV. The first news article Marvin!
Your brother has been incredibly kind and supportive. It took a few months, but we finally got all the domains, you had purchased, transferred into my name. He and I have spoken a few times since then, checking in on each other. It was important to him to ensure all the promises you had made were fulfilled. He’s a good man and lately, from my perception, is doing better.
The hate mail is starting to dwindle at this point and isn’t really causing any impact. My progress with the grief counselor was improving. I attended a few local events and out of one of them managed to meet someone I could confide in. His dog is good for the soul too. Don’t say anything but I’m totally using him to gain access to his dog. It’s one of the coolest dogs I’ve met!
Since the domains were finally official, I moved forward with creating the LLC. IamRunnerGirl LLC. Since the process to become a non-profit with the IRS takes 18-24 months, I figured I would start this way. After speaking to someone who started out this way and then converted afterwards, it sounded like the right move for me. I don’t know whether or not our vision is going to take flight Marvin, but I am going to try.
As the end of the year is approaching, I had an impromptu visit to the Virginia area. WOW! That’s a cool group right there. That event was really fun and I finally got to meet a few fellow runners. Even though we were meeting for the first time, it felt like we knew each other for so long. I even got to be in a Charlie’s Angels pic!
The St. Pete trip started off miserably, with both my cell phone and laptop being drenched with water. I literally freaked the hell out. There was kind soul on the airplane, sitting across the aisle from me, and we got to chatting. It turns out she was attending as well. I really love moments like that, when two people meet each other and it turns out they share the same story and are attending the same event. It’s just as awesome as “me too” moments in my opinion.
I spent most of the trip trying to get the laptop up and running for work. Since I work remotely, I only asked for one day off for the airline flight. Unfortunately, I missed a lot of happenings; but I still got to meet folks at the evening mingles. So many new, very kind faces, old friends, new memories.
The memorial service was really nice. The organizers did a really good job. The story about your New Year’s Eve 2014 came out and I was chuckling to myself when it was told. Little did everyone know that I was in your pocket the whole time. While it’s sad to reflect on you being gone, these stories that everyone has are comforting. I’m glad I get to hear the other side of it from someone who was involved. It reminds me of what you and I had together, our little world that no one knew about.
I met some of the influential members too. I had feared I would be shunned Marvin, but surprisingly they were very kind. I walked away from that event with a better understanding of them as people, versus what I had been told from you or others. I’d like to learn more and really hope, at some point, we can work together.
Sadly, Marvin, both grandmothers were placed in hospice this year. One of them passed a couple of months ago. That would be number four for the year. I’m not sure I can take much more loss, my heart aches already. A week before she passed I visited her. When I arrived, she knew who I was and for a brief moment she was lucid. Oddly talk of my schooling in the UK came up around this time and as such, I’ve started to research that a bit. There was one angel who had a similar effect on me as you did Marvin. His voice was so calming. At one point it was eerie; but every time he checked in on me I felt calm. I won’t ever forget his presence while I was getting through grandma’s passing.
And lastly darling, the situation with my son worsened. We finally got to see each other in a counselor’s office and talked for about an hour. It came out that he knew what his father’s plans were and he decided not to say anything. They planned the whole thing together. My heart is crushed. How in the world can I trust anyone if I can’t trust my own flesh and blood? I still struggle with this all.the.time.
I learned last week that I’m still holding on to you. I struggled even signing up for my first race in 2016. My coach ultimately kicked me out of my funk; so I was able to sign up. Six races this year, one will be my first marathon, one will be my first international race, and if it all pans out, one will be the first race for HSV\HPV this world has ever seen. But in the midst of planning all this, it became clear to me that I need to let you go. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, it’s not intended to be.
You see, somewhere along the way within our relationship you became my protector. I trusted you implicitly and didn’t have to worry about a thing. You had my back and shielded me from the haters in this world. Most folks don’t even find a love like this; but I am grateful I got to experience it if only for a few months.
The problem is, you aren’t here anymore. Subconsciously, I’m holding on to the fact that you are, thinking you’re still protecting me. Yet, when I go to do something in reality, like sign up for a race, I start freaking out that I’m not protected any longer. I think this is why I’m having a hard time trusting people too. There are so many people who have offered to help, yet I’m stuck not physically moving because I don’t believe them. I’m scared to trust them. Hell, I’m just scared. And how do I even repay these folks if I allow them to help? How do I show them that their help is appreciated? Who am I without you behind me?
This whole experience literally ripped me apart and left me raw. Folks whom I thought were friends turned out not to be. Folks who I’d never thought would help, not even in a million years, stepped up and helped in any way they could. This story doesn’t even cover ALL the angels I came across. (For those I omitted, please do not take that to mean you weren’t important, because every one of you is important to me.)
I started this journey on my own, just a girl who races with a herpes shirt on. While I am so grateful you joined it early on and we got to experience a love most dream about; I have to let you go so I can move forward on my own. This campaign was our vision, will always be our vision. I will get to the schools someday, I promise, being just a girl who races with a herpes shirt on.
I’m sorry if any of this letter hurts you. I may never know if I did the right thing. I realize there will always be haters. I realize that every human, whether they are a part of our community or not, will always have challenges to face. I felt it was important to share my challenges, share the back story, because I’m still here. A girl who races with a herpes shirt on.
Thank you Marvin. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for all you’ve taught me, for all you’ve given me. I only hope I can return the favor someday and give back into your beloved community.
As your daughter once told me, a passage from E.E. Cummings:
…I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
