One of the first memories I have of my father being abusive was during a family fishing trip. I don’t recall how much of the family was present; but I do recall my father being very loud and mean because my fishing line was traveling upstream. I couldn’t tell you if that was my first fishing trip or 100th; but I can tell you (to this day) I don’t like fishing because of the memory of that particular fishing trip. Based on the family pictures I have; I’m guessing I was around the age of 5.
Another abusive moment I remember was when I was supposed to be watching my sisters in the tub. I ended up standing in a corner of the hallway with a bruise on my bum trying to hold back my crying. My father had told me if he heard one more noise, he would give me something more to cry about.
This is what happened when my father got angry. Beatings, yelling, berating and shaming. I am the oldest of three so I’m the lucky one to remember it all. I lived my entire adolescent life walking on egg shells trying anything and everything to gain my father’s love and approval. As a previous coworker of mine so eloquently put it, I was potty trained at gun point. It wasn’t until recently I realized the full magnitude of this comment.
The eggshell feeling that I always carried around eased up a bit after my parents divorced. I only had to hold that wall up every other weekend, certain holidays and summer breaks. As I got older, the “spankings” turned into finger stabbings into my chest. Essentially, he would poke me really hard (with his pointer finger) in the sternum area every time he felt the need to enhance his point. “YOU (finger stab to the sternum) WILL (finger stab to the sternum) WASH (finger stab to the sternum) THESE (finger stab to the sternum) DISHES (finger stab to the sternum) AGAIN!!! (finger stab to the sternum)” On a few occasions those finger stabbings led to bruises. Those of you who are close to me, know I don’t like to wear fashions that are too revealing of the décolletage. This is why.
Fast forward a few decades, several heartbreaks, a rape, a couple of divorces, acquiring HSV2, acquiring HPV, the death of someone I was getting ready to move in with, a dog bite while running, a boogy man while running…. and a few more traumatic experiences later, most would say I turned out ok. I have an awesome son, a couple of degrees, a successful career and live pretty comfortably.
I wasn’t raised as a child; I was forged by fire into who I am. However, along with that (up until recently) consistently feeling the torture of not being good enough.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them. No matter who they are, a friend, significant other, husband, wife, parent, sibling, extended family, coworker, whomever.
If you’ve followed along with my FB posts in the last year, you are aware I had found someone whom caught my attention and I quickly fell head over heels in love. I made the decision, pretty quickly, to move to Texas to move in with him, against my better judgement. I literally felt swept off my feet and thought for sure he was the one. I finally found someone who “got” me.
Again, for those of you that follow, it wasn’t long before I was returning to Az. A few of you know most of the story; I thank you all for being there in my time of need.
I can tell you that I felt destroyed. I had done so much work on myself, especially the last 10 years. To find myself in what feels like worse place that I’ve ever been emotionally, the first thing I asked my counselor was, how the fuck did I get here? The second thing I asked her was, how do I avoid this moving forward?
When you are hiding certain things you hold on to as shame…. it’s a depth that really feels like life or death. What most don’t realize is, this barrier keeps you isolated no matter how many people you have in your circle and no one “truly” knows you.
A wise man once told me, to heal from the death of a loved one you must go through it. Every ebb, every flow. Otherwise you get stuck and can’t move forward. The relevance of this isn’t just for death of a loved one, it’s for any trauma a human has experienced, no matter how trivial, no matter how significant. The process is the same.
To bring this statement to everyday life, this means that if you feel the need to cry, one MUST cry. If you feel the need to yell, one MUST yell. The trick is to allow yourself to feel any emotion that comes up within you without hurting others in the process.
If you bury said feelings, don’t process them, tell yourself to “get over it” or “move on”, your brain will physically attempt to push them out other avenues. Such as depression, anxiety, addiction (to any substance), weight gain, weight loss and chronic illness to name a few. Neuroplasticity goes into overdrive. Wait, what? Neuroplasticity?
neu·ro·plas·tic·i·ty
/ˌn(y)o͝orōˌplaˈstisədē/
noun: neuroplasticity; noun: neuro-plasticity
the ability of the brain to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially in response to learning or experience or following injury.
If one keeps burying feelings, not addressing them, not allowing them to heal, not doing anything to change that internal broken record, you are literally changing the wiring in your brain. Just like a human body changes shape when it doesn’t stay active and healthy, the sections of your brain that house depression, anxiety and addiction also change shape. They become larger, overshadowing any other synaptic connections that bring more positive aspects to life, like happiness.
If that isn’t enough to motivate you, epigenetics will be passed on to other generations. Again, with the big words, here’s the definition…
ep·i·ge·net·ics
/ˌepəjəˈnediks/
Noun
the study of changes in organisms caused by modification of gene expression rather than alteration of the genetic code itself.
In layman terms, if you don’t heal your crap, you’ll pass it on to your children. You will genetically pass down to your children, larger sections of the brain that house depression, anxiety and addiction. This is why breaking generational trauma cycles is so important. Given recent conversations with some family members, I am proof of this. I now have the ability to teach my son something healthier. That is, if I didn’t screw him up too badly already ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Suddenly phrases like “move on”, “let it go” can become dangerous to those who don’t understand how to heal trauma. Humans should probably stop using such words. Aside from it coming off as unkind (to someone who just may literally be contemplating suicide) it also implies someone doesn’t have to heal, which can prove to be detrimental for generations to come.
Ever wonder why you keep meeting the wrong person in life? Why you feel your “picker” is broken? That’s traumatic reenactment. Those with unresolved trauma from early life, even childhood subconsciously get into relationships that reenact the trauma to try and make sense of it and resolve it. It literally feels familiar and comfortable. How many times have you said to yourself “it just feels right?” when explaining to others about someone special? Only to have that someone special ghost on you? Only to have that someone special abuse you? Yep, that’s potentially traumatic reenactment. Paradoxically healthy relationships won’t feel comfortable because your brain senses them as unfamiliar. Time to retrain the brain.
Unraveling all the weight, it was time for me to go through it. Take all the little sharp pieces and broken edges and add them to my armor so I could protect myself for this battle. It’s gonna sting a bit.
Meet the moments as honestly as possible, make a safe place for you to be yourself. It’s ok to be exactly who you are. You can’t be anyone else.
Address and let go of soul suffocating material; but remember change happens one person at a time…
* Hands are supposed to be used for protection. If your hands made imperfections, bruises or scars you’ve taught me they are dangerous and I am worthless and mean nothing to you.
* Shaming in any capacity will only teach me to seek validation externally from other sources, potentially creating a co-dependence on alcohol, nicotine, drugs, food, attention, perceived love and sex; a temporary quick fix for low self-esteem.
* Verbal abuse, words meant to hurt and/or destroy me in any capacity destroys my confidence. Literally chips away at the trust I have within myself. It reinforces that I cannot trust my gut instinct.
* Awakening my love with zero intentions of loving me in return teaches me that love means nothing.
* Un-resulting words, dishonesty, lie thru omission or just outright lying to get what you want from me damages my “fight or flight” instinct. The one instinct that is supposed to work 100% correctly, 100% of the time in every human.
* Wasting my time reinforces I don’t matter.
* Sharing context of private conversations (you’ve had with me) with others, teaches me my privacy doesn’t matter. It also reinforces I need to stop communicating because I cannot trust whom I am communicating with.
* If your behaviors (or actions) don’t match your words you’re reinforcing to me I cannot trust myself, let alone others.
* Tough love is an excuse to put me down and make me feel bad under the guise of being helpful.
* When the norm is explosive and volatile one day and kumbaya the next, there is no healing. There is no validation of the toxic behavior and therefore no healing or change. Admission of reality must happen otherwise the toxic behavior becomes normalized and the dysfunction continues for generations to come.
However, if all persons were given the benefit of the doubt, aside from their own personal demonized inflictions, the crux of the issue lies within. I mean, how would they know my neuroplasticity was wired differently? On the other hand, why are humans facilitating and/or allowing these types of behaviors? Why are humans behaving this way at all?
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Retraining the brain requires doing things that cause a positive feedback loop, not a negative one. Turn the negative broken record into a fabulous road trip song you just never get tired of listening to. You know the one. The one that makes your hips move every.fucking.time. it comes on!
What would you do for the most important person in your life right now? Whether that person is a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse? How far does that importance go? How far does that love go?
The typical human response would be, “I would do anything for that person”.
So, I ask you, what if, YOU were that person? What would you do for…you?
As some of you have noticed, I picked up a couple of hobbies lately. Adulting coloring books, crochet and gardening. While it was hiding under the premise of a global pandemic, what these really are, are activities to retrain the brain. Offer yourself things you didn’t receive from said trauma you experienced. In my case, I need to reparent the child that didn’t feel good enough.
The adult coloring books and crayons started off as a joke really. One of my pseudo sister’s gave me my first one for my birthday. It was funny and entertaining basically due to the mouth of bad language I seem to have on a consistent basis. However, I have come to learn that coloring in that adult coloring book is an absolute God send during unproductive, semen overloaded, mansplaining meetings.
Crochet is an activity my brain has to focus on without engaging the emotional aspects of my thoughts. This literally gives the brain time to decompress from life’s daily struggles. What happens when the brain has time to decompress? Whoa! Suddenly thoughts seem a bit clearer, triggers that would upset me, piss me off or simply cause a reaction are smaller and don’t seem so overwhelming. It’s very similar to meditating I’m sure; but I’ve never meditated, so I can’t comment to that. Those of you that are close to me I’m sure have noticed I’m a bit quieter, maybe a bit more introverted. This is what happens when you can live in your brain without all the noise. I literally can’t remember the last time I “over-thinked” an interpersonal relationship problem.
Gardening is an activity that gives me that giddy feeling. Much like how I get when I see a bug or critter I’m fascinated with. Bottom line, it makes me happy. I mean, as a human, why wouldn’t you repeatedly do things that make you happy? Who wants to be stressed out and grumpy all the time?
It’s been a 6-month road. In my eye’s the worst is over. I’m in a much better place mentally and emotionally. How do I know? Because now I have the urge to go for a run, now I have the urge to re-evaluate my advocacy work, now I have the urge to finish that book. All the things I fed off of so many years ago.
Moving forward, if you manage to not repeat any lesson (you needed to learn) then you’ve mastered reparenting. If the lesson must be repeated, then ensure you drop pieces of light as a force for good to pass the lesson the next time. Life is entirely too short people. Don’t waste it by not living your best life.
For the apologies you’ll never receive, I hear you, I see you. I have for you an undefended heart waiting with kindness, genuine smiles at your silliness, compassion for your dreams, desire for your passion and love above anger even on your worst day. Crayons, bugs, blanket forts and flowers all included.