One year ago today, about this time, you disappeared. All communication ceased between us. I had no idea where you were, what happened to you and wondered if I had done something drastically wrong.
It was the day before the Oregon race, a half-marathon on the Race For Awareness tour for ProjectAccept.org. I barely slept that evening and the next day I had the worst performance in my life for a half-marathon because I didn’t know what was going on with you.
It wasn’t until the morning of May 18th when I found out what happened. The good Lord decided it was time for you to come home; leaving behind several loved ones and hundreds of friends.
It’s been a long year. Full of heart break, loss, sorrow, soul searching and happiness.
I’d like to say things worked out as we had planned, but they have not. I moved forward with our vision, followed the plan that we laid out. Finish the website, create the LLC, made a private group, asked for volunteers, all of it. I did all of it.
However somewhere along the way I’ve lost my zest for all of that. I just want to return to what I do, run with a herpes shirt, live the way I want to live, create experiences I won’t forget. Make a difference in those I meet along the way.
The prototype of the new shirts are ready. When I return to Arizona, I’ll get to try them on and decide which ones to move forward with.
I’ve decided I don’t want to take any money. I don’t want the LLC and I certainly don’t want the added work load. Volunteers are far and few between and there isn’t anyone jumping out to do the back office work. Which is completely fine, all I wanted to do was run anyway.
I’ve got back into training, into traveling, meeting our peeps and making memories. I’ve also scattered a few residences across the nation so I can float when I want, play gypsy when I feel the need.
I’ve reached out to both support groups in SoCal, to find out how I can help with the meetings since I’ll be there for a bit. I like the fact that I can run whenever the heck I want in Cali. No more ungodly early days for me because of the Arizona heat!
I’m still helping one newbie at a time as they cross my path. That always gives me some satisfaction that I’m doing something impactful in my life.
I’ve attempted dating but alas that didn’t work out as I envisioned either. For now, I’m just enjoying whatever adventure that comes my way.
I came to California for three weeks in hopes it would help get through whatever emotions may transpire. Lord knows I’ve had to muster the courage for Mother’s Day in previous years. So given the additional emotions this year, I assumed it would be crushing. Additionally with my birthday being three days before today, the one year anniversary of your passing, I had hoped that visiting one of my favorite places, so close to a beach, where you and I had a love in common, would help.
Mother’s day was a bit struggling. I spent most of it just passing through the tears, but I got through it.
My birthday was awesome! You would have been proud of the #SecretArmy Marvin! They spread so much light and love that I cried happy tears most of the day.
Very few close to me will remember what today is…and that’s ok. Your loved ones I’m sure remember….and the hundreds of lives you impacted remember as well. You are deeply missed by many.
I had asked several folk in preparation for this day, “How did you get through the first year? What did you do on the anniversary?” All them had something different to say as it was about their grieving; not some text book guideline they should have followed. Maybe me planning this entire adventure was part of my grieving.
I still cry every know and then. I’m not sure if that will ever go away. But I am doing okay, better than I expected to be doing when I planned this.
I will race again one day….been thinking of just doing one marathon this year. Not sure honestly, but time defines.
I can tell you I’m doing what I want, what makes me happy. I’m enjoying every person I meet and finding out what they have to offer in this world. I can’t want to see what tomorrow brings.
In the end, isn’t that all we really have? Our experiences? The memories we leave behind with those we love? The day the Lord took you Marvin, it changed me forever. I’ll never again wait. I’ll never again not say what I feel. I’ll never again not do what makes me happy. I hope folks truly learn and understand what that means by reading this.